I don't miss him as much as I miss the feeling of being with someone.
Tonight after a brief, pleasant and polite but empty conversation with my ex husband, I wondered into my room and felt lonely. It was one of those feelings that takes you by surprise (we have been separated for 8 months now) and therefore caughts you unprepared.
As I said, I don't miss HIM. I miss the feeling of being with someone you love.
I sat down in my bed, wondering.
Green came to me then, blossoming into my heart, warming it up, remanding me of the day, not so long ago in which, in another planet, I met my soulmate.
It was maybe a month ago. I have known for years and years that what I and some of my magic friends call "Soulmate", is actually a soul that is extremely close to yours. So much so, that it feels like another part of you. I have also known for a long time that my soul mate is not incarnated in this world or time.
He is a tree, in another world.
Yes, I know how that sounds.
In my younger years, before I could travel to other worlds and existence planes, I used to call up to him. I would do so quietly when I was feeling lonely, or scream silently for him when I was anguished and loneliness or despair filled my heart. "Where are you? Come to me! listen to me, calling! Come to me!" Then during one of those early energy sessions when we could not yet figure out things by ourselves, the Guides told me, that the closest person to my soul was in another world. This was not welcome information, I tell you. I asked further. And this is what I learnt: That besides the soulmate there are 2-4 other souls, not as close as your true mate, but with whom you are able to have one of those magic love stories like you see in the movies. I have met of one of these souls, actually. It was indeed a true, intense, overwhelming (in a good way) and yet brief connection. Life together was not for us in this incarnation. But he helped me understand the feeling of predestination and connection you read about in the books.
My ex-husband is within the next circle of closeness. (Where, it seems, you can find around 6-8 people) Oh, I loved him to bits too. And we lasted 15 years together, before realizing it was time to take separate ways. The fact that we remain true friends and that I still care for his life is, I think, part of what we came to learn about together. After all in a previous life in ancient Japan, we died together in battle. So yeah, doing much better this time.
But back to my arborean soulmate.
A couple of weeks ago, I got really angry. WHY had he chosen to incarnate in non human being, WHY was not he with me, here? I have had similar thoughts once or twice over the years. Dismisive thoughts like "my soulmate is off "treeing" somewhere, go FIGURE!" This time though, I decided to go an look of him and ask him about it AND demand explanations.
Now, interplane travels usually take me a while. I need a very deep mental peace state, I need the Guides and the Ancestors to agree and hopefully come with me. I ask for permission, I prepare.
Not this time, I was ready to go almos as soon as I settled down. Good sign, that. No inner or outer resistance, no struggle. The Guides were by me side right away, and my white wings (another story) opened right away, ready to take flight.
Traveling to his world was really fast. Sometimes it takes me almost an hour to get to someone' else's story lines, and that is when the person in question lives in my own city. Yet landing in my soulmate's far away world (who know WHERE it really is), took less than seconds. I can never explain this weird traveling time issue, but some odd reason, it makes a lot of sense to me.
The world in where my Soulmate lives is vast, pristine, full of forests. There are no humans there at all. Most of its sentient beings are trees. It is one of the most gorgeous worlds I've ever seen.
I, who has become detached of our land, unable to communicate with it, buried in a little room , and not even wondering into to my once beautiful patio which is now withering and dying. I... was so taken aback by this world that I could not even breath. OMG, I could not do anything. All I could stare at the great tree in front of me; it was unlike anything you can see on this earth, unless you go deep into virgin forests I guess, and even there nothing could be as big. I couldn't see this tree's top. Or ANY of the other tree's one for that matter, and yet the light of the warm and sort of golden light of the sun reached the soil, which seemed ALIVE in its richness.
I understood then that the normal trees I see here in our world might one day become of these ones. When they evolve. Maybe. The tree in front of me... There are no words in our world, at least none that I know of, to describe this being, the feeling that overwhelmed me. Not just a tree. Not just a soul. The true sense of what a tree is. Something beyond our comprehension. I could only think in one word for it: Magnificent.
I walked towards it. It called me, unlike the father tree in the UK which took weeks to let me come to its side and rest next to it. I touched the tree's trunk and life pulsated through me. I rested my forehead to its bark, oh its bark, covered with green like musgo. So soft, so alive.
"Why"... I whispered. "Why did you leave me alone. I am so desperately lonely."
Softly, I was allowed into the heart of the tree.
I was salvia. Slow, slow salvia going up the trunk. I was branches, feeling of the gentle wind. I was one with his being, my soulmate, and he showed me what being a tree really can be. I was roots, connected to every single being of this incredible planet. I cannot tell you how it feels to be one with a whole planet. But above all, I was green. Oh, I have never been so green. I stayed there ages. "But my love", he said suddenly."It is you who chose to be a human. It is you who went away, and you who keeps choosing to be a human over and over".
There was no anger on his words, no despair. Just maybe a quiet amusement, as if he was saying: how typical of you, to think this is my doing.
In my defense, humans sounded FUN before I decided to become one.
There was this feeling too of utter peace. Maybe, that is what love to the closest soul to you heart is: Peace.
"You must not come again," he said gently. "This would hurt me." Yes, it would alter him to have to put his thoughts into human form. Yes, I understood. I knew then that this was an agreement we had made before, and there were rules to it. Yet, he was breaking them for me.
And he did not let me go right away either. Instead, I found myself siting on one of his top branches, looking at the sunset of the the two or three (I cannot really remember) suns his world has. I leaned against his trunk, placed my hands on his branch. Bent my head slightly and we looked at the sunset.
It it the most beautiful one I've ever seen.
I stayed only for a few seconds, but it seemed like hours. I felt that this had to last me for always. Love, sunset, 2 suns, a distant world.
Before I left, he gave me something. A small leaf.
It went right into my heart.
"So you will remember me".
I came back and went to sleep for hours.
And today, like so many other times since then, as soon as I started feeling lonely, the green of that small leaf filled me, from the core of my heart to my whole being.
I did not feel lonely anymore.
Instead, I wrote this. And it is the first thing I have been able to write in years.
A soulmate's gift, a single leaf.