Learning About … penises. (YES. Penises!) From the animal world
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Which is the largest penis in the animal world? THERE IS A PENIS THAT MAKES SOUNDS!
There’s a learning opportunity everywhere! If the pandemic has you scrambling for topics of conversation, here is the EDYFIYNG and very educational conversation that we had with my family at tea time. (EXTRA POINTS if you have another adult around with whom to laugh at the “grown-up” jokes!)

It all started with the question… “ Mom, how can you tell a cow from a bull? My dad says that you have to look at them from below but that they have a hidden penis… ”
Me: Hidden? Really?
Hubby : Yes, it is retractable, they’d be dragging it otherwise.
(Thank goodness, the first thing I thought when I heard “hidden” was “What, do they put masks on them on it or something?)
Me: (grabbing the cell phone from ONE) GOOGLE. NOW
Hubby: they are also huge, just saying…

How do bull penises look?

Heads up! DO NOT google this in front of children. Either GROSS or inappropriate images! And if you do it Spanish, you get pictures of the bull’s genitals as part of a very popular dinner dish, which I have NO intention of trying EVER.

SO, to answer: YES, bull penises are “hidden”. This is a “normal” (a.k.a “not horny”) bull:

Those are his testicles, btw. Image from: http://www.egenetica.com/carne/carne-angus-rojo-positive.html)

This is when the bull’s penis is NOT hidden:

https://www.erepublik.com/en/article/2639671

Comments the photo generated

-EEEEEEWWWWW !!!
-It’s like a dog’s!
-Mmm. I don’t think it will drag it around, right?

OBVIOUSLY, after that the questions were

2. Which animal has the largest penis in the world?

Answer: if we talk ONLY about “absolute size” then the blue whale wins. Here is a video … (i could NOT find something similar in English, so sorry!)

In case you had any doubts, here is a photo: (which generated more EEEEWWWWWW screams)

From the BUHO site:
https://buhomag.elmundo.es/entretener/quien-tiene-el-pene-mas-grande-de-la-fauna-del-planeta/

Son: Mom … but how do those penises “come out”? There is actual footage. (The “interesting” happens at the end of the video. I’ll spare you the “adult” jokes. 😅

But if we talk about proportions …

Striving to be helpful, YouTube suggested a video of the animal with the PROPORTIONALLY bigger penis. (The term “proportional” had to be explained to my kids). SOOOO WEIRD:
besides being LONG it is has a spiral shape. (AND the female duck has a spiral-shaped vagina, OMG)
Warning, this video is GRAPHIC. It talks a lot about general duck facts, so I have uploaded it just at the right time😀

This duck sometimes LACES the female duck with its penis. Yes, you read that right …
At this point I was already laughing sooo much, I had to stop the conversation to actually drink my tea.

But the duck penis being so long led to the following question:

4 . Which animal has the SMALLEST penis?

Here YouTube suggested this gem … (yes, I was already seeing that this topic was actually a leap into the rabbit hole… a very dangerous slippery slope! 😁)
3D MODEL to compare the sizes of penises of animals in the world

Answer to the question, the shrew’s, a tiny rodent, is the smallest ANIMAL penis.

https://www.raza.com.mx/working/es-bueno-saber/1255-la-musarana-elefante
At this point my kids realized we had only talked about ANIMALS, so we asked GOOGLE:

Do insects have a penis?

THE FIRST thing that came out in google, was THIS

THE SURPRISING FEMALE INSECT THAT HAS PENIS

This photo is from the
BBC

NOT only this FEMALE insect has a penis. She uses it to ABSORB the fluids from the male. This bug is a feminist heroine 😀 ahahahaha (males have a vagina, this species is a gender equality champion)

Son : So male insects must also have penises.

And yes, … they do. And shellfish have them too! And some, proportionally, are HUGE. In fact, larger than (in proportion), the duck’s penis. For example, barnacles. Barnacle’s penises can be up to TWENTY times the size of the mollusc’s body!

Here I need to translate this REMARCABLE quote COPEPODO blog:

“The largest penis in absolute terms is the bluefin whale‘s ( Balaenoptera musculus ), which can exceed two meters in length (and expel 150 litres of semen in each ejaculation), but taking into account that the whale is the largest animal on the planet, this does not impress so much (..) After calculating a simple rule of three to figure out the proportions, we get penis of 11 centimetres for a person of one meter seventy (..) In the case of cirripeds, however, the penis reaches up to 20 times the body length; the human equivalent would be a 34-meter tool, enough to throw a cap with the neighbour from out couch, without missing our favourite series. ”

And then google kindly suggested us to review the weirdest penises in the animal world
And with that, I almost DIED. It had been a while since I had laughed SO MUCH. We were talking for like an hour, watching videos, normalizing the word, learning. Someone asked my today why this conversation… “but why!” she said. Cause it is GREAT to be able to have a talk about penises with your sons, to have a laugh and to learn. It is also awesome to get them to understand that nature has sooo many different ways of life. TO me this is really important. If they ever hear “but God only created female and male, I HOPE they will answer “God also created a female bug with a penis!”

I leave you with the link that takes you to the 25 Strange animal penises (translated via Google translate cause I just could not find an article this great in English! )and a photo of the ones that made me laugh the most … because I am old enough to remember the movie “The Womanizer”
Penis fight ..

Strange animal penises

AND YES…i almost forgot, the SINGING PENIS! There is an INSECT which penis’ makes a noise equivalent of 100 decibels (the sound of a distant fire siren, a train passing!!!!) Of course, almost all sound everything is lost in the water BUT Wikipedia says that you can still hear if you are walking nearby. I cannot do LESS than sharing the audio: https://sounds.bl.uk/Environment/Listen-to-Nature/022M-LISTNAT00251-0001V0 And of course … I still had the doubt … if the mole’s penis is split in four, is the female mole’s vagina split too? That question was left for another day ONLY because it was sleep time … hahaha 🙃

Where there is curiosity, there is knowledge.

Sofia Idiel
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Ps. BTW, looking for material for the English version of this article, I found this gem, which I’ll probably show the kids tomorrow… there is a PENIS museum in Iceland. (NOT a joke!)